Gaslighting is one of the most damaging dynamics in a relationship. But here’s the twist: sometimes, people who gaslight aren’t fully aware they’re doing it. It’s intentional in the sense that it’s deliberate behaviour—designed to protect themselves, control the narrative, or maintain power. But it’s unconscious in that they don’t realise how manipulative, selfish, or harmful their actions really are.
This isn’t an excuse for gaslighting—it’s an explanation. These patterns are often set early in life, becoming so ingrained that they feel like second nature. For many people who unintentionally gaslight, the behaviour starts as a survival mechanism. Childhood experiences—like growing up in a chaotic household, being overly criticised or smothered, or having their emotions dismissed—can create deep insecurities. To cope, they learn to protect themselves by deflecting blame, controlling others’ perceptions, or rewriting reality to avoid uncomfortable truths.
Neuroscience tells us that the brain is a predictive machine. The prefrontal cortex works in concert with deeper structures like the basal ganglia and limbic system to process an incredible amount of sensory, emotional, and experiential data. Many of our “intentional” actions—like reaching for a glass of water or avoiding a perceived danger—are initiated milliseconds before we become consciously aware of them. These unconscious decisions are rarely random. They reflect learned patterns, values, and goals embedded deeply in our neural networks.
From a neuroscience perspective, this kind of manipulation often comes from the brain’s desire to avoid discomfort. Cognitive dissonance—the mental stress of holding two conflicting truths—pushes people to rationalise their actions. For someone who gaslights, admitting they’re wrong or selfish might challenge their entire sense of self, so their brain finds ways to justify their behaviour instead.
For example, if they accuse their partner of being “too sensitive” after saying something hurtful, it’s not just about deflecting blame. It’s also about avoiding the uncomfortable reality that they were careless with their words. This self-deception protects their ego, even at the cost of their partner’s emotional well-being.
People who gaslight often don’t question their default ways of interacting with others because those patterns feel like the “truth” of how relationships work. They’ve been using these tools for so long, they don’t realise they’re not just tools—they’re weapons.
