What if your partner accuses you of gaslighting them?
Gaslighting has become a ‘pop term’, that is being used much more frequently as a way of describing how we feel our partner is treating us. One of the most challenging aspects of any relationship is determining where reality lies when there is a difference of perspective, especially when that difference involves our partner thinking poorly of us. So, when you are accused of being a gaslighter, how do you respond?
Dr John Gottman found the number one key to a happy, lasting relationship was when BOTH partners take influence from one another. In other words, both are willing to respond by hearing the other out on issues that are distressing them. They both listen to UNDERSTAND, not to defend, derail, or deflect. When both partners in a relationship listen to truly understand, there is a transaction of care. So, if you are being accused of gaslighting, has this accusation been delivered in a transaction of care?
When one partner won’t listen to understand it is worth asking a couple of simple questions: 1. have I first listened to understand them? 2. have they always been like this – is it a pattern of behaviour or is this a one off event? (Most humans get mad from time to time and throw around unkind words – but this shouldn’t become a habit).
Without a mutual willingness to understand one another it becomes very difficult to make healthy progress towards resolving our relational distress. This is not an easy situation – and expert help is highly recommended. It may be that a diagnosable personality disorder/attachment style/stress response is making it more difficult for either you or your partner to consider another’s needs, and to self-reflect and self-adapt regarding these. This can cause serious difficulties in a relationship that genuinely need expert psychological help to resolve, or expert discernment to understand if they can be resolved at all.
This is not an easy situation to find yourself in, but if there is accusation of gaslighting in your relationship it warrants immediate attention. Either way – if you are, or if they are – the distress that arises from not being heard, understood, and mutually cared for in relationships is not tenable over the long-term, and will hurt both of you.
On the other hand, if one or other of you actually is gaslighting, there is likely to be a reason that this kind of ineffectual and hurtful behaviour is being used. Working this out with a skilled therapist can be the best thing you’ve ever done for your own wellbeing and your relationship wellbeing. It takes humility and vulnerability, but these two traits are essential for happy, lasting relationships, so the sooner we embrace them, the sooner we can move forward into happiness.
